Rotten Robert
meets St. Peter
similar to a story told to Dave Word by Tom
Spencer
For those who weren't on NARS during Bob Teague's tenure as System Manager, he was often fondly referred to by the troops as Rotten Robert. Teague was aware of his nickname. In fact, some say he thought it up himself. (Teague, if you're reading this, you'd better speak up and defend yourself.) At any rate, Rotten Robert thought highly enough of himself that this story could come true!
It seems that Rotten Robert died and went to heaven. After hanging around in the bar of the Gatehouse Inn for six weeks, waiting for his security clearance to be processed, he was finally granted an audience with St. Peter.
When he walked into St. Peter's office, he was waved to a chair and forced to wait for ten minutes, while the ancient gatekeeper shuffled through stacks of paper. St. Peter finally cleared his throat. He looked at Rotten Robert absent-mindedly and said, "and you are?"
"Teague," growled Rotten Robert.
"Just Teague, is that a first or a last name?" asked the saint.
"It's what I'm called," said Teague.
"I see," said St. Peter. "Well, Teague, I have to ask you a few routine questions before I can approve you for admission. First of all, what was your vocation before your untimely demise."
"Say again?" said Rotten Robert.
"What was your job before you croaked?"
"Oh that," said Teague, "I was System Manager."
St. Peter glanced up at him sharply. "Could you repeat that?" he said, "I thought you said you were System Manager."
"That's what I said, System Manager."
"Oh..." the gatekeeper hesitated, "well...that puts your application in a whole different light."
"Whaddaya mean?" asked Teague.
"What I mean is that you can't be admitted to heaven, because we don't allow System Managers here."
"You don't allow System Managers. What kind of crap is that?" Teague snarled.
"I'm sorry er... Teague, but that's the rule. There are no exceptions. There are no System Managers in heaven, so you'll have to apply for admission in hell."
St. Peter summoned a guard and spoke to him quietly for a minute before the man led Teague from the room.
"Tough break," said the guard, "having to go to hell and all. Tell you what, though. You've got awhile before the bus gets here, so I'll take you on a quick tour of heaven."
"Whatever," Teague grunted.
The guard led Teague through the pearly gates and down the streets of gold, and he marvelled at all the wondrous things he saw. The sun shone brightly as they passed a mirror lake, bordered by perfectly tended lawns, until they finally came to a gleaming white building with a sign on it proclaiming it to be the System Office. They walked inside, and strolled down a cool marble corridor, past closed doors bearing the names of all the saints. "This is the main administration building," the guard told Teague.
Teague and the guard finally reached the end of the corridor, where there was a massive golden door, bigger than all the other doors. On this particular door was a large sign that read "System Manager."
Teague turned angrily to the guard and snarled "what the hell is this? I thought St. Peter told me that there weren't any System Managers in heaven."
"That's right," said the guard, "there aren't any System Managers. That's God's office. He just thinks he's the System Manager."
Copyright ©2000, David A. Word. All rights reserved.